Do you ever find yourself being really racist in a desperate bid not to come across as racist? For some reason despite genuinely having no problem whatsoever with people of a different ethnicity I can’t help but focus on someone’s skin colour sometimes and all that runs through my mind is “don’t say the N word”, which is a word I seldom use anyway, however when in the presence of a black person my brain is so focused on not letting it slip out that it is the only word I can think of so communication usually breaks down.

Earlier today I went to my local Asian supermarket to get some coconut oil that is not available in your ordinary supermarket. As I approached the doors it dawned on me that I was probably the only white person in a two mile radius and I was about to enter ‘their’ domain, this was just bullshit that was running through my head and I knew it, but couldn’t dismiss it. So I was walking through the store with my headphones in looking for the oil and all I could think was “I am the only white person in here”, then I got into an argument with myself in my head berating myself for being racist but simultaneously justifying these ridiculous thoughts by telling myself they were merely observations and as long as I kept it to myself no harm was being done. Then lo and behold another white family walked in, relief genuinely swept over me, which only served to fuel the disciplinary hearing that was going off in my head. The white folk happened to walk past me in close enough vicinity for me to hear them talking; they were Polish. Well my mind nearly imploded, I felt I was on the verge of a panic attack. Then as well as the voice in my head that was telling me off another one chirped in with abrupt laughter finding the whole mental predicament I’d worked myself into hilarious. So I had three voices in my head, all of which were me (not like a schizo hallucination type thing); one being paranoid and racist, one telling the paranoid racist me to shut the fuck up and get on with it and a 3rd just pissing itself at the stupidity of the situation. I genuinely couldn’t tell which was the conscious me, or was it all of them?

Anyway I found what I needed and bundled myself over to the checkout, only to be served by an Asian man with a cleft palette. This was too much; different coloured skin and disability, what next I thought. Then again I told myself off by saying “shut up you racist cunt!”, I saw the mans face drop and I realised I’d said it out loud not in my head. I took my earphones out and managed to mutter the words (again quite involuntarily) “not you, I’m racist. I was talking to myself”. This didn’t exactly remedy the situation. In the end the only thing to do was to apologise profusely and explain that I was a bit tapped in the head and tell them, as I have you, what had happened. In the end I paid for the coconut oil and accepted without complaint the banning from the store that I’d visited only once and never again. Hooray for social suicide!

My brain is forever doing stupid shit like this in all kinds of situations. This was just an outstanding and recent example.
Anyone else have any similar stories where their brain just needs to shut the fuck up? Doesn’t have to be in a racist context lol.